As I type this, my stomach is turning. I've been in bed all afternoon utterly nauseous. I just can't believe it... I know where you are. I know who you're with. And I know what you're doing. Your watching Star Wars without me. There's really no other way to say it.
I have to be honest, I have never felt more betrayed. I know we never made plans to see it together, (though we talked of upcoming date nights), but I assumed we would go together. Foolishly, I was wrong. I'd like to say I'm being naive, I wish I was... but I've asked other people and everyone agrees-it's just what individuals that were born before 1980 and are in a relationship do together!????
I just feel so stupid. Like a girl living in a My Little Pony fairytale, I dreamed we would go together. I dreamed we would drive down to Wenatchee in your Audi (we'd lovingly call it The Tauntaun) and reminisce about our favorite Star Wars moments. We'd share childhood memories of what Star Wars meant to us... How my dad back in the early 80's brought home a magic cardboard box that housed a VCR so we could watch it at home, how my sisters painted our pool inner tube with the words Millennium Falcon, or how they would braid my hair like Leia on Endor in Return of the Jedi. Intimately, I would share that sometimes when we're sitting together watching your car makeover shows, I daydream that you're Han Solo and I'm Leia, happily married and retired from the Rebellion. With the Imperial Fleet destroyed, we're finally able to think about kids. Sometimes wacky Uncle Luke stops by...
But NO. While I dreamed we would share a big bucket of popcorn and watch in wonder-- laughing, crying, experiencing Carrie, Harrison and Mark together, fully confident that JJ Abrams is a Jedi and would do it right, I was truly living in a dreamworld. I thought you knew me. Really knew me. But again... I was horribly wrong. You don't know me at all.
Instead, you're with 'our friend' Kurt. He was supposed to be the best man at our wedding. I just knew he would do something like this. He had to have known I would want to go with you but selfishly, he drove you to Wenatchee and called it 'a Christmas present' so you couldn't say no. Could you have said no? Do you have it in you? Is this the man that snuggles with me and tells me he loves me? Because what partner, again born before 1980, would do this to his future wife!??? What man, WITH THE HEART OF A JEDI, would do this???
Well... the damage has been done. And if I'm being perfectly honest, I'm not quite sure it can ever be repaired. I know to the world, it is just a movie. But to me, it was the world. A world that your betrayal and disloyalty tarnished like a double crossing Lando. And if you're capable of THIS, how can I trust that you're going to wait for me to get home before watching the next disc of Fear The Walking Dead???? How do I know you'll actually DVR the next season and not just watch it live???? Will you even care if I watch it or will you just go straight to Kurts!?
I hope one day I'll be able to forgive you... But I know in my heart I could never forget. I hope you are happy. I do. I hope the movie was everything you and Kurt dreamed. But know that my hurt is beyond words. YOU have weakened the force in me. And I never would have thought that possible.
I just hope it was worth it.
While I'm very angry, and probably will be for a great while, I still believe there is good in you. (I can feel it). I am also writing to tell you that when you come home, I'll be gone. Please don't try to contact me. I'm taking the good beer and The Small Dog. I'll be on Dagobah with Yoda, someone that truly loves me. I know he will help me find my inner Jedi again. He has before...
P.S. If you bring home a pizza, I'll think about coming back home.