February 27, 2010

WEIGHTING: A long-winded story of baby step successes!

In Los Angeles, I was really unhappy with my job.  It's not what I wanted to be doing and the hours were killing me.  Needless to say, I ate my feelings.  I've been eating my feelings for years, actually!  There have always been patches of bright spots where I found a friend that would run with me or when the SLM helped me find a turf intermural field hockey team.  But for the most part, it's been a struggle since the day I was born.  I was always the girl that was 20 pounds (and then 80 pounds) heavier than everyone else.

I spent many years despising the rich people I was waiting on at the bakery.  I became really cynical toward people that had so much because I didn't.  I almost made it their fault.  I hated anyone that could buy a pair of nice shoes or go to fancy dinners.  "Must be nice!" Or I'd think, "Wow- awesome, J-Lo, that's a million dollar fur coat & I can't pay my rent ."  

It wasn't until I began taking classes with Candace Silvers that I remembered being wealthy wasn't bad.  It was something I had every right to have.  It was no one else's fault what I brought into my life but my own.  And truth is, I worked at a $10/ hr job, slaving away for someone else, letting my own dreams pass me by, aging about ten years, when I didn't have the dignity or self-respect to demand more.  Not by working harder-- holy crap, I'm EXCELLENT at that!  But by finding myself again.  I had lost my spark.  I had lost me.  No one wants to talk to a sad sack, no one wants to help a girl with a chip on her shoulder.  And I had many sacks & lot of chips! HA!

I knew coming to Chicago that things had to CHANGE.  You know how we all have that person in the back of our minds- the 'us' that walks in slow motion & whose hair glimmers in the sun?  The person that's dresses totally cute, is successful and has tons of energy?  The gal that actually likes people and would rather hang out with them than to sit at home alone & eat a pizza?  (Pizza, I will always love you, though!!)

I have a right to be her, dang it.  And NOT that I'm aiming to be some superficial version of myself by any means!!  But I have a right to be financially secure enough to buy clothes that will actually make me feel feminine, to be successful and take over the world, to have endless amounts of energy and to live every moment in joy.

I call it being 'the person I was created to be.'  I don't think God wanted me to spend 20-25 years living in unworthiness, unhappiness and praying to Him to 'get me through the day.'  He gave me the tools to spend that day in JOY not to trudge through it.  He gave me hopes & dreams for a reason.  I think when we are our true selves, He delights in that.  And sitting home alone, shutting myself off from the world, isn't what He or I had in mind.

Well there is good news to report.  Since I got here, I've been 'doing it, Peter!!!'  I've been 'clapping my hands' cause I believe!  And aside from goofy 'Hook' references (RUN HOME, JACK!), I have been very, VERY good which makes me VERY, VERY proud of myself.  The Sweet Lovin' Man and I have been eating really healthy, I've been getting my business going and I have been working out really hard.
I usually quit after a month-- it's been TWO!  :)

I was feeling rather bummed because the scale has just been stagnant.  I was beginning to feel hopeless again.  And while occasionally we'll have a higher calorie meal or I'll go to a bakery to try something (last night it was soup in bread bowls- YUM!), I have been working out hard & have raaaarely gone over my calorie count.

Man, I can jabber.

All this to say, got on the scale this morning.  Still hadn't moved after two extremely hard work-outs.  I WANTED TO THROW MY SCALE THROUGH THE MIRROR (there's a little Rick Springfield in all of us).  And then I thought about the smaller pair of jeans (which USED to be my 'fat jeans'-- see how far we've fallen?) in my closet.  Hmmm...

I tenderly took them off the hanger-- remembering a month ago they were probably a good three inches away from buttoning-- and wouldn't you know it... *cue the Oprah tears*... THEY BUTTONED & ZIPPED!!!  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  IN YOUR FACE, SELF-DOUBT!!!!!

Now, I have probably five pounds or so to go before I can wear them out in public but YAY!!!  I'm doing it.  I am.  *sigh*  Patience, young grasshoppah...



Robyn said...

great post, Mandi! Love reading your thoughts on all this!

MandiCrocker said...

Thanks, Robynski! :)

Robyn said...

I can't find your email address. But I wanted to send you a link to this blog

pretty fun, yo. And her post today reminded me of stuff you do.

MandiCrocker said...

Ooooh, thanks Robs!! Gosh, there are so many resources online these days-- it's almost overwhelming... Time for my nap! ;)

juliette said...

YAY! glad to see your real shimmer coming through! btw- I tried on a skirt the other day that's been too small for years and it was poifect. I just loove that feeling, too! =)

stacy marie said...

the scale is evil :) great job love!

Heidi O said...

This is my first read of your blog. But way to go! It sounds like you are on the right path for yourself.