Hey everybody,
I've been dying to blog and everytime I go to do it I think, "What on EARTH would I write about?" I don't have money to try any exciting new things, I wouldn't necessarily have the energy if I did! The 126,000 thoughts going through my head everyday right now are "business, business, business, MandiCakes, MandiCakes, MandiCakes, break-up, break-up, break-up." Oh! And "find a life & friends in Chicago because you're incredibly lonely!"
But who's got time to make croissants & creme brulees and everything else I've always wanted to try, or to find soulmate friends that will belly laugh with you playing boardgames until three in the morning drunk on cheap wine when there's SO MUCH to do! It's an F5 FLYING COW TORNADO OF CHANGE happening in my life right now and I have no control over it!!! I have noooo control. That's right, Billy Joel-- It's PRESH-AHHH!!! AHHHH!!!!
So that's what's going on in my brain. Ahem.
Anyway... I had no idea what I was going to write today but I was adamant that I was going to post a blog. I went to type in the title & Jimmy Eat World's 'The Middle' is what I typed. It's my 'God Song.' I always hear it when I'm in my Anne Shirley-esque 'depths of despair' and it's always when I've forgotten about it being my 'God Song.' Maybe I smoke the crackpipe but to me it's a little miracle I've heard at the craziest of times. I haven't heard it lately but I do find it interesting THAT'S what came out of my fingers when I pressed them to the keyboard of this new roomie hand-me-down Dell laptop. And I ain't gonna lie, there were some MandiCrocker tears...
So I need to just let it all go. DUH!!! BE IN THE MOMENT. ACCEPT that I have no control. Be productive. Stay positive. Stay THANKFUL... When you have no vision and everything feels dark & overwhelming, it IS pretty exciting to watch things fall into place & work out. It's almost like magic. I look forward to lots & lot of magic. It's a Doyle Brunson kind of 'luck.'
And here are the words that make the MC cry...
'It just takes some time.
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine.
Everything, everything will be all right, all right."
And I am sooooo in the middle right now. You can't change the past, you can't worry about the future, there's only now. It's the middle...which is perfectly right where I'm supposed to be.
Much love, everybody... Hope you have wonderful weekends!!
Love,
MandiC.
6 comments:
Mandi...
It's okay to be sad.
That totally sounds lame. But the times in my life when I've felt overwhelmed/angry/upset/scared/sad I usually find it the most helpful to just feel the feelings. Look them in the face. Name them. "Look! That's sad right there! and HERE COMES ANGRY!!" and for some reason giving the yucky feelings attention and respect takes the power out of them.
Once last summer I was REALLY mad at Andrew. Like for weeks. Just super, super mad at him. And mothers aren't suppose to feel like about their kids. Mothers are suppose to ALWAYS love and accept their children. So, it was pretty scary to see that I was so angry. I sat down and made a list of why I was angry and then I looked at the list and said, "well, no wonder! LOOK at this list!" and then I didn't feel so angry anymore.
I guess I just wanted to put in a plug for letting yourself feel sad because I feel like a lot of my upbringing was about looking at the bright side...and that method just doesn't always work for me.
Mandi, I am SOOO sorry that your life just got turned upside down and inside out. It's A LOT. You are seriously going through a lot. And I only know the parts you are willing to share here. But if you need to cry in your cornflakes for a while, that's okay.
I also usually find that the times that tear me down are some of my best, life changing, holy smokes look how much I've grown moments. But I actually have to show up and see the sad for the growth to happen.
And maybe you are! I don't know! I don't mean to say "you're not doing this right!!" But, just wanted to say: It's okay. It's totally legitimate and okay to be sad.
And before you know it, you will be happy again. The sad won't last forever.
I was once told that I had to listen to the radio in my car instead of cds so I would hear "The Middle". I really, REALLY needed to hear that song, to feel that sense of hope, to have a reason to believe that everything WILL be alright.
I listened to the radio in my car for a f*$#@ing month, feeling let down every time the song didn't come on, feeling ridiculous for needing some silly sign. I got pissed. Put a cd in. Made it halfway through one song then wondered if while I was listening to the cd "The Middle" was playing on the radio & I was missing it. I hit eject. Scanned radio stations. No Jimmy Eat World.
No God Song.
No boost of hope.
But I remembered you telling me to listen to the radio, and I remembered how sure I was that I'd hear it, so I kept listening until I did.
I think I emailed you as soon as I heard it, but I forgot to say thank you for telling me to listen. For trusting that the listening would pay off.
I know you'll hear your God Song soon, so "just do your best, do everything you can", and keep listening.
Wierd, the girls are watching Yo Gabba Gabba and Jimmy Eat World was singing as I read this. This is a sign. Hang in there.
Robynski... I'm doing THIS wrong, too!!?? ;) Thank you for the reminder. I, too, grew up in that 'look on the brightside' kind of mentality except it was more about having faith in God, remember Job! That sort of thing... For a great while in my life I shut off my emotions and considered myself strong. Now I'm very emotional and consider myself stronger and healthier. I think keeping things in is cancerous-- metaphorical, if not literal!
Yeah, this SUCKS! I cry, I get angry, I don't know what I feel and then I eat. Then I cry, lol.
Rather than cry in my cornflakes, I've opted on my downtime to just play a lot of poker and stay in solitude. It's really been nice. I know to my roommate I probably seem like a ginormous sad sack & I should be getting out & about but quite frankly, I'm just not ready to yet. And that's totally okay with me.
I know there eventually is a brightside to all of this... but for now there is plenty of poker to be had. :)
Love you, Robyn!!!
Kell... yeah, it's usually when I'm not thinking about it that I hear it play. Like boyfriends! When I don't think about it they fall into my lap. Then they leave, lol... but still! ;)
Thanks, tho... love you very much!! I don't have a radio but I trust it'll play somewhere I least expect it. :)
Thanks, Candy. I'll take it just as that!
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