Today, I got a letter from the future. It was addressed to me, written by me.
November 1, 2012
You need to calm the F*CK daaaaayoooooown.
Okay? Breeeeathe. Now listen to me. It's all going to be okay. You can't see it right now, but it works out. All of it. And the best part? There's no need for panic. There's no need for quick answers. It will come. It's going to be an organic process. I know it's hard to imagine.
I remember how you feel. Right now you are very sad and lonely and in a new big city that you've yet to make your own. You've experienced your first heartbreak and everything that goes with it. You're panicking that this all has to happen now- every dream, every transformation. You have so many things to do and now is the time, not a moment to lose.
You're worried about money, about friends, about being alone. Hell, you're worried you're not going to live up to the joy you choose & project/preach to others about daily! You want to reconnect with parts of yourself that have been shut down for ages. It's weird. You feel on fire in acknowledgement that you have such big choices to make but you also feel hopeless because there's no 'plan.' And how do you see the finish line when you can't even find the starter blocks? It's overwhelming and it's taking a HUGE TOLL on your body. (Seriously, loosen up your shoulders... you're giving yourself headaches. YOU'RE MAKING YOURSELF SICK, BLOCKHEAD!!!)
But Mand... it works out. Everything!!! So take a deep breath and relax... You will figure it out as you go. It will be little zaps of wisdom and electricity, doors that are open just a smidge that become the whole world to you. People will come in and out of your life and they'll help you in ways you never dreamed. You stand on your own two feet financially. You are your own person and you're healthy and confident.
The way you feel is not always going to be that way. You know that to change habit is going to feel like death. And it will... I'm going to be honest, the winter your about to experience is going to be pretty brutal to you. Parts of you will die so many deaths... But other parts will be birthed or rediscovered in the process. Beautiful and fearless parts you didn't even know existed anymore-- or existed at all for that matter! But they are there- its so funny- right NOW! All of these things you have right now... It's just going to take some time to understand it.
It's not always going to feel the way it does. You have a glimmer of an idea as to why you're there in Chicago but you don't have a clue about how to go about creating this success story. Well guess what, sister... YOU DO. And even I still can't believe it!!!! Do you even know how freaking happy you're going to be!!!?? Every day is going to feel like you're walking on cloud nine because you've accomplished soooo much!!!
And, Mand, you are going to learn to LET GO of the walls you hide behind. It's going to be an act of worship. Worship like never before. You are going to learn to express yourself in ways you never dreamed. This joy and expression will come from your toes and shoot out through your body like an alien- through dancing and music and performing!!! And it seemed soooo impossible!!! And it was easy!!!???
YES!!! YES!!! The absolute best part... IT'S ALL EASY. Of course you work for things, you study and research and blah, blah, blah... But Mand... once you begin to make these changes sooo many things fall into place its ridiculous. The easier it becomes, the easier it feels. The easier it just is. And soon you'll be looking around wondering how on earth this all happened... It's pretty amazing. Every day I wake up excited and blown away by the before & after. You are going to be SO EXCITED!!
So trust me when I say... You are ON to something, Mand. Do you hear me? Lay the fear down. Lay the panic and anxiety down. Lay the rush down. Lay down in general because you're losing sleep-- ha! (You're still a cornball, fyi...) Lay the sh*********t doooooown. Be KIND to yourself. Pick up the peace, the joy... Pick up the choices to be happy. Be courageous!!! Leave your walls at home and GO OUT. Meet people. It will be awkward at first but again, it becomes easy. You will lighten up in sooo many ways. You will inspire people with your joy. People will flock to you with your light. I'm not even kidding...
Okay? So go to bed now because I know you're horribly exhausted with worry. Read this letter everyday and stay open to possibility. I'm not going to give you details because there's no fun or growth in that... But trust me. Trust you. Trust us! And fo reals... begin to trust you now. Because again, it's all there now you just don't see it. I know, I know... that probably sounds like gobbledy new age bullsh*t or something... but it's true.
So seriously-- go to bed!! Get some freakin' sleep already. You are going to be soooo happy. And again, happiness is now but whatever- you don't get it yet. You will. You will, you will.
And you're really hot. You're gonna figure that out soon, too. I KNOW, RIGHT!!!??? :) :) :) :) :) :)
Big hugs, you. Cause you're me and you know we like hugs!
P.S. Writing this made me want to watch 'Somewhere In Time.' HA!! Not really, that movie is TERRIBLE.