Powerlessness

It's only in the past few years that I've learned anything is possible. In fact, I wasted many years prior viewing life as a series of impossibilities. What once were daily prayers for survival, "God, get me through this day" turned into dynamic affirmations, "Of course, I am powerful! I'm powerful beyond measure!" And with this positive spirit, and renewed sense of self, I've certainly seen my fair share of miracles and have watched my life change dramatically.


Yet here I sit-- laptop in front of me, knowing there's very little I can do about my current situation. I feel utterly powerless! I HATE this feeling!!!


Write resumes: Check. Visit potential employers: Check. Follow up on both of these things: Check. It occurred to me as I went into an open job call today that I know being fired, no matter what the circumstances are, is probably never going to look good. Which means: I am also powerless in how I am perceived regardless of any kind of injustice that's been done.


So what on earth do I do?


I've learned from previous bouts of unemployment that when I'm consumed with my need to 'have a plan' and 'figure this out,' it takes longer to find a job. As human beings, we like to have and maintain control over our lives. Problem is, when we do this, it never turns out as expected. Our scope of vision is so small because we typically base it off of how it's worked in the past. We're usually so busy fitting our life back into that box of history, we don't see the infinite possibilities outside of it.


So I'm not going to do that. The ONLY power I have in this matter is how I choose to accept it. I HATE this word powerlessness because it seems so backwards to feel the same emotion I used to back in my more helpless days. But what I've realized is that while the feeling of powerlessness is the same the context and my choices are completely different.


I don't have a CLUE how rent gets paid... or my parking... or my credit consolidation I've been paying off perfectly for the past five years (only six more months to go, we're really gonna f*ck this up now?). All hell could break loose financially at a moment's notice. But if God is going to take away my ability to work in such a weird, unexpected way, after being an exemplary employee... then there HAS to be reason for it.


Quite frankly, while sh*t could hit the you-know-what, I have to believe that even if it does, it's just not going to matter. It will work out beautifully regardless of being hunted down by Sallie Mae or seeing my already astronomically high APR's suddenly go through the roof. IT HAS TO.


When I choose to live my life in balance, making sure there are equal parts of work, pleasure and spirituality, it seems I'm not only happier and more fulfilled but that things pan out in the best and easiest ways. Key word: easy.


So I'm giving in completely. I have no choice. Maybe it's an absolute step of faith, maybe it's an absolute 'F*CK YOU!' to the universe (I haven't decided yet) but these are the cards I've been dealt.


I accept the fact that I am powerless over my current situation. As much as I want to tell August to go f*ck itself, it's not done yet. This is my lesson. Can I be content with this feeling, having no knowledge or hint of how the future works out for the good or even the bad? YES.


I say, "BRING IT, LAST EIGHT DAYS OF AUGUST!!!" Maybe my bills won't get paid, maybe in a week's time I'll be in financial ruin but I'll be damned if I'm going to put this on ME. This is YOUR game of cards. I triple dog dare you to call my bluff. I've got zero cares in the world, I just may fall asleep from the pure boredom of it all!


In fact, I dare you to not only pay my bills but for you to also find me an exorbitant amount of spending money for Hawaii in September! I dare you to still get me a passport & pay for the entire trip to Bali I committed to in November!! I dare you every dream I've ever had in a week's time! JUST DO IT ALREADY!!! THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING!!!! In the words of Forrest Gump's Lieutenant Dan, "IS THIS ALL YOU'VE GOT!!!???" BRING IT, F*CKERS!!!! I'M NOT WORRYING JACK SH*T!!!!!


I see your lesson, Universe, and raise you everything. Who knew powerlessness could be so powerful?


Aces & Kings,
MandiCrocker