July 08, 2015

Philosophical Cold Feet

Weddings, weddings and more weddings!  It's wedding central around here.  My own wedding is taking place next year and we're very excited about it.
The Methow Valley seems to be the new destination wedding location for Seattlites so we've been doing a slew of wedding cakes, pies and catering orders at work. 

My brother and his beautiful lady recently got married in Vermont last May.

And then my own engagement and the shenanigans that ensue-- wedding planning, save the dates, dress shopping...  It's a lot to think about and yeah, yeah, yeah... all very exciting...


As I watched my girlfriends from college not only get married, but start having their third and fourth babies, I came to terms with the fact that this may never happen to me.  Along the way, I began to seek adventure.  I wasn't going to waste my life waiting.  I spent eight years in Los Angeles and three and a half years in Chicago.  I went on various road trips all over the country from Vegas to New Orleans.  It is truly a magical thing, the way life moves you, when you are living presently and fearlessly.  It is what brought me to Mazama for crying out loud!  That is why I trust it and the decision to set down roots here.
A few weeks ago my friend and adventurous kindred spirit, Stacy, invited me to go to India with her in early March.  My thoughts were as follows:
2)  Shoot, the wedding in June.  I'll be preparing for that.
3)  Crap, the money.
4) Oh my God, I have a honey to consider now.  That is soooo weird.  What if he doesn't want me to go anywhere ever?  What if he finds my sense of adventure crazy?  He's lived here for 15 years and is totally okay with setting down roots.  I've lived here two years and I'm already looking longingly at the lumber yard!!!
5)  How would I wedding plan AND India plan!? You don't have internet.  It's difficult enough!  How would you know what to pack!?  Where to go!?  The customs!?  The do's and don'ts!?
6)  Well, think about it... If Lliam is okay with it, I could card the trip, have a last hurrah before settling down.  You know... Eat, Pray, Love meets The Hangover.  Namaste, dudes!
7)  Ugh, that's a lot of debt.  How will you pay for the honeymoon next November?  Then again, can we even afford to have a honeymoon regardless of whether or not I go!?
8)  The plan is to get married.  If we have no debt, we go on a honeymoon.  We come back, pay it off and then start having kids.
9)  KIDS.  *gut punch* Little joyous, wonderful...  money-sucking mongrels.
10)  Some people can't have kids.  Maybe YOU can't have kids, Amanda.  Did you ever think about that!? No, having kids will be beautiful.  I will teach them canning!  That will solve everything!  It will be it's own adventure! 
11) But KIDS.
12)  Sweet baby Moses in a reed basket, how will we AFFORD to have kids!!???
13)  All of those expenses...
14)  Wedding...
15)  Honeymoon...
16)  Get out of debt...
17)  Kids...
18) 18 years...
19) *sigh*  ...I AM NEVER GOING TO INDIA.
All that to say, those 13 thoughts happened in about three and a half seconds.  I may have suffered a minor stroke.  I saw my life flash before my eyes, outside my body, as I packed up Hannah Honda and headed south for the Mexican border. 
I definitely don't mean to sound ungrateful.  I know how ridiculously blessed I am and that there are people out there that would kill to have a house or a honey, or a deer trot right in front of them as they type their blog at an outdoor café.  (True story!)
But I am not afraid to say that I am utterly TERRIFIED of feeling stuck.  Stuck in life.  Stuck in Mazama.  I am afraid of losing my magic, terrified that what I love most about life and about myself, I will lose. 
Everyone feels this way.  Whether it's fear about being in a relationship and losing yourself or fear about kids and losing your freedom.  Fear about donuts attacking Seattle by water...  It's all fear.  And I'm bound to find it, feel it and stay in it for a bit every now and then.  Or this year?  A LOT. 
BUT...Ever the Libra... There is another side of the scales-- a side that requires faith and trust.  A side that requires me getting out of my head long enough to be present in the moment with this heat, the noise of passing cars and my iced tea.  I'm right here.  From my own voice that lives less in fear and more in abundance:
1)  I trust the magic that brought me here.  That brought me a house.  That brought me Lliam, a small dog and chickens. 
2)  I am not in control of any of this.  I just have to be faithful in fearlessness.  That is when the magic happens. 
3)  I never expected to be able to afford a house on a baker's salary and yet, I have one.  Life has a way of making it happen.  YOU KNOW THIS.
4)  You can travel overseas at anytime.  You get that, don't you?  You look up the flight and you book the ticket.  There is nothing stopping you.  But it HAS to be a priority.  It has been impossible to you for so long.  You can't afford the time off, can't afford the ticket, the lodging, etc.  Maybe it's time to just book a ticket already.  People do this all of the time and consider it normal.  It is a small world, where one can travel every couple of weeks if one has the desire, IF you choose to see it that way. You went to Hawaii for free!!! ... Don't worry, I'm not offended you FORGOT ABOUT THAT.
5)  There are opportunities here that wouldn't have been so easy elsewhere.  You get to be Gwendolyn Fairfax in The Importance of Being Earnest!  In LA, you would have been too old! You wouldn't have been thin enough or had an agent to get you the audition or 18 million other reasons that are silly LA typical.  Key word SILLY.
6)  Kids are going to chaaaaaange your world, girlfriend.  You will never know such love.  Trust you don't know what you're talking about because you've NO IDEA what those rolly polly shit machines are going to bring to your life. More than diapers!  TRUTH.
7)  Besides, nothing says family like free child labor? Those chickens ain't gonna feed themselves!
8)  Those chickens?  Are the SHIT.  One little 'StuffOnMyChickens.Com' or 'RateMyChickenPoo.Com' website and you are financially free!!!!  Chickens... The New Pigmy Goat?
9)  Relax, homeslice... It all works out.  It always does. 
10)  Less fear, more abundance.
11)  But I'm not gonna tell you one way or the other to go to India this time.  That's on you.  SUCKA!
And those are my bipolar thoughts of the week from this eastern Washington hamlet called Mazama.   ;)


Susan said...

I am so so happy that you started blogging again! :)

Celia Zanger said...

I can't speak for any future babies, of course, but if you wanted a life of adventure and a man who would never hold you back from ANY crazy notion you got into your pretty little head - you have chosen just the right guy! I love you both and can hardly wait to see what you make of it all.